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Shadows
First cigarette bummed off a bum
in
exchange for a buck.
Inhale deeply;
clean my insides with smoke,
try to blow the tears from my face
as I remember
the feeling of him,
and of the threat of the blade at my throat
at each attempt to scream.
The shadows order my
feet to run,
to mimic the whirlwind of their voices.
They are my clothing,
now torn and darker with dirt and blood
than they are dark of themselves.
They caress my shame...
everywher he did,
trying to clean, to comfort...
but they only feel like his touch,
making my hair stand on end,
making my feet follow their orders,
making
stiff, trembling fingers drop
that cigarette bummed off a bum
in exchange for a buck.
~c. 1993, after the second,
remembering the first
Night
She sings her siren song
and the
Wild, Dark Child within
heeds her, aches for her,
yearns to be suckled
at her breast once again.
It was years
I denied her,
swinging the pendulum too far
in an attempt to escape
a challenging memory;
but not whole without
her
I succumb to her charms...
until the demons find me again
and chase me from her embrace
claiming the shelter
of her cloak
as their own, leaving me
with only fear, loathing, longing
in which to clothe myself.
Still,
she begs again for me to
dance with her, sing with her,
taste her tears, feel her touch,
gaze into her sparkling
eyes,
breathe her, be her...
if only through the steel bars
of terror.
~ 06/2005
Freedom
You held me
not in loving arms
but in chains made
of bruises, of pain,
of terror, of guilt.
You owned me
having bought me
with eyes
full of hate
and fists full of rage.
You kept me
by reminding me
of my worthlessness
of my helplessness.
I escaped.
I grew up. Learned
to recognize you
and stay away.
I earned freedom
by gaining strength
by loving me
and you don't hold me anymore.
~08/2005
Reaching Out From the Dark Side
The bittersweet
play
of a saccharin smile
touches my lips,
though the desperately vile
tastes of hatred and pain
clench
the back of my throat,
making every breath
seem a sour, flat note.
My past is a burden
that's heavy to bear
and my heart has grown heavy
with guilt and with fear.
Nightmares awake me
from Night's fitful sleep.
I
try to let go,
but the wounds are too deep.
If love me you can,
and love me you will,
through the times I
find pain,
I'll be ever grateful...
but, if not, then believe me
I do understand,
and I'll thank you for only
once
touching my hand.
~c. 1992
The Mist
The mist,
creeping through the
trees
like soft, silent arms,
surrounds me, as if
to protect me
or to comfort me
in the gray-green beauty
of this clearing;
the one place I am safe
from harsh words
and steel blows.
I am contented
to be alone
with the mist and the wet grass,
and yet...
One tear
slides down my cheek
and falls to its death.
It
is the last drop
of the shower just passed
through this place,
this blissful solitary.
~ c. 1993
Cycle
Don't lie to me!
Don't lie to me
and tell me
that you'll love me, never leave me,
then throw me on the floor
like a toy you've outgrown!
Don't
hurt me!
Don't kill me, please!
Don't break my bones
like you break my heart
when you beat me, bruise me,
remind me I'm no good!
Don't leave me!
Don't leave me alone
with my hatred and grief,
though we despise
each other,
each wishing us dead!
~ c. 1991
Predator
They watch from the shadows
or
the cover of buildings and foliage
day and night, and you'll never,
never get away.
They know you, your weakness,
know just how to make you cave,
just how to break you,
how to terrify you... and
sometimes the terror is all
they want.
A world full of predators,
feeding on anything they can find;
flesh, fear, makes no difference.
It all sates their hunger,
and devastates their prey.
Taking back the Self,
Prey becomes predator,
hunter
becomes hunted,
fear becomes hatred,
weakness strength.
Their antics anger, not frighten,
and the same of
the nightmares.
Finding Me again, slowly,
and longing to fight back.
~ 08/2005
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